he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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