The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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