Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she woke up with a sticky ear
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
