Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
