ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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