he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
