If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?