on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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