You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
