So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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