After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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