WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
