Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I had to cum in my sink.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
