I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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