Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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