Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
