Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
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i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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