soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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