Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
