apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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