Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
