I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
