New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
All I want is dick and wine.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
