I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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