Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
