yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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