Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
