New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
