My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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