shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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