I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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