I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
