2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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