No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
