the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
