God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
NoShamevember. You game?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
