Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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