The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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