We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Pants are for mortals
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
