U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
