shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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