My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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