Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
