You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We have so much sex to catch up on
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
