sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
