Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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