The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize