It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
