I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
