i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
