She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
