Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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