What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
