this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
