I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
