i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
